Joey Essex Is The True Winner Of 'Celebrity Masterchef' And We Won't Hear Otherwise
Ah, Masterchef... is there a more wholesome show? From contestants fretting over floppy soufflés to Gregg Wallace getting *way* too excited about a well-made sticky toffee pudding, the BBC cooking competition is British TV at its finest.
But Celebrity Masterchef is perhaps even better.
While the original programme shows skilled home cooks in their prime, the all-star version is packed full of less than impressive wannabe-chefs who are swapping their acting, singing and sporting careers for a stint in the famous kitchen, and some camera time, obvs.
And let's face it, seeing people struggle a bit is far more entertaining, isn't it?!
So far, we've seen Oti Mabuse, Neil Ruddock and Sandra Rhodes join a string of stars in donning their aprons and give professional cooking a bash.
But with weeks to go, the icon of this year's show has already revealed himself -the public have spoken in their droves, and there's no doubt its Joey Essex, in all his blundering glory. In fact, we should just give him the crown already, tbh.
On Monday night's show - the first of the new series - Joey certainly didn't lack confidence, proudly declaring he was going to "shock the universe" with his culinary skills.
And shock the universe he did...but sadly it was more due to the 29-year-old's rather lacking knowledge of herbs and culinary lingo than his kitchen expertise.
It was clear straight away that Joey was going to bring the entertainment value. During the first episode, pure, innocent Joey told the world with conviction that he was going to bag himself a "Michigan star". Because, who needs a Michelin star anyway?
And despite his high (if slightly muddled) ambitions, the gaps in his knowledge soon started to emerge.
When the contestants were asked to make their own sausages, the former TOWIE star looked visibly shellshocked that they could be made anywhere other than a factory.
"A sausage factory should make a sausage, do you know what I'm saying?," the baffled star said to his fellow celebs, as they sniggered in the background.
Nevertheless, Joey threw himself into the challenge, and you could even argue his sausage making skills were pretty good - although he did hit a bump in the road when he put thyme in his meat instead of chives.
"Thyme?," Joey said when his error was pointed out, "Thyme? What do you mean thyme?"
Gregg was then forced to explain that there was, in fact, a herb called thyme. To which Joey replied after a few blank seconds: "Is that good?"
The episode also saw Joey grapple with a handheld mixer, and break the third wall as he asks a cameraman helplessly how to work it.
But despite all his troubles, the TV favourite somehow managed to present some tasty food to Gregg and John Torode, and nobody was more shocked than him when he bagged a place in the final four, in what was quite frankly a win for underdogs everywhere.
Of course, we for one were glad Joey made it through, as that meant we got to see him partnered with footballer Neil Ruddock, in the most unlikely and yet most endearing paring we've ever seen on screens. Move over Ant and Dec.
At first, it was clear to see that Neil was a little bemused by the reality star, which isn't surprising really, considering how completely floored he was when tasked with making eggy bread.
Try as he might, Joey just couldn't stop burning the bread, and despite it being a pretty simple recipe, for some reason he seemed to only douse one side in egg.
"Please don't expect Joey to get the egg mixture on both sides of the bread. If he's done half he's doing his best.#CelebrityMasterchef," one viewer joked as they watched him struggle.
If you're getting stressed and worried about #Brexit Joey Essex is currently trying to cook eggy bread #CelebrityMasterchef
- Simon John :santa::christmas_tree::gift::santa::christmas_tree::gift::santa: (@LoveSimon88) September 4, 2019
Joey Essex and Razor Ruddock are cooking eggy bread on BBC1.
What a time to be alive !
- Adrian de la Touche (@anoraky) September 4, 2019
While another added: "Making eggy bread is very confusing for Joey...#CelebrityMasterchef".
But Neil and Joey soon found their stride as a duo, which is a good thing, seeing as they were soon tasked with cooking for 120 guests at a London Zoo catering challenge later in the episode.
The contestants were given a selection of ingredients to batch cook with, and while Oti and Sandra decided to rustle up some spicy roast chicken thighs and couscous alongside a lentil casserole for the veggies, Joey and Neil went for feel good classics, attempting cheesy meatballs in tomato sauce and a Thai veggie curry.
Overall, they didn't do too badly, although sadly their success was rather overshadowed by another blunder from Joey, who for some reason made their meatballs supersized. (LOL. You don't hear us complaining...)
While it might have been unintentional, the zoo staff absolutely lapped up the offering, with one even commenting: "I've never eaten anything that big in my life".
"They are like asteroids," a bemused John Torode added. You can always trust Joey to mix things up a bit!
Next time, catch the TOWIE star competing for a place in the semi-finals. Yep, we don't know how that happened either - but we're here for it.
And hey, if he carries on how he's going, who is to say that 'Michigan star' is out of reach after all?!
Celebrity Masterchef continues on Friday September 6 at 9pm on BBC One.
Featured Image Credit: BBC